Childhood

When I was a kid, I spent my time playing hockey, listening to music, trying to write stories and rap songs, trying to play the keyboard, trying to do graphic design, trying to sketch, trying to make videos with my sisters camcorder.

When did I drop my creative side.  Een if I was never too great at any of those things , I wasn't terrible at all of them, and at least I enjoyed them.

Time to get back?

Lost Wallet

A forty five minute search this morning ended with a defeated shrug. I had lost my wallet sometime on the way home from the bar last night.

It was an emotional search. 

Casual at first - "now where did I put it last night?"

Slowly becoming more frantic - "if I don't find it soon I'm going to be late for work..."

Then anger - "where is the damn thing!"

Then defeat - "it's ... gone."

The walk to work this morning was filled with thoughts about my wallet - where exactly did I go, did I remember taking it out anywhere? I decided to call the bar we were at last night when it opened on the off chance that it was turned in. We were outside on the patio - pretty much on the street, so it would have been an easy grab for many of the passers by looking for a quick buck, but there was a chance nonetheless.

I thought about what may have happened to my wallet, someone may ave grabbed it, taken the cash, and then thrown it in the garbage. Someone else may have actually walked it down to the local police box, maybe someone else has the wallet right now and is trying to figure out how to contact me. I hoped that a good person who was willing to take the effort had found the wallet. Or, at least I hoped that someone who really needed the money found it.

Then, my thoughts turned to self-flagellation at having being suitably inept as to have left the thing somewhere in the first place. How stupid was I anyhow?  Maybe I should just quit my job today, as I certainly didn't deserve to get paid for anything that I was capable of - they could surely do better.

Anyhow, at this point I realized that thinking and worrying about my wallet was wasting valuable time.  How could I take this experience and turn it into a positive one?

Well, the answer eluded me.

But! I forced myself to realize that life is what it is and you are where you are. No point in dwelling on the wallet.  Just buy a new one, get new cards and get on with the day.

How to be a great person

Everyday, a new tip on how to be a great person.
Sometimes a sentence, sometimes more.
Sometimes a quote, sometimes not.

direction

He was looking for meaning, but happened upon beauty instead...

reflection

Remember where you've been, but never look back.

I heard this today

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening.
Love
like you've never been hurt.
Live like it's heaven on Earth.

I am often sullen, irritable, and difficult to get along with.

Often depressed and frustrated, I try to push those around me away. Searching for some type of freedom, I suppose. With no one around to let down or hurt, life would be less stressful is the thinking.  Of course, that doesn't make any sense at all. Life would still be the same, only now I would be bored on top of it.

At 30, I am already done.

I have exceeded my childhood dreams and become successful in every thing that I have tried. Up until recently, I felt good about myself when I knew more than the person nest to me, or when they were impressed by something that I'd said or done. Not anymore - at this point enough self-esteem has built up inside me that other peoples words just aren't needed. I have no more to prove to anyone.

The idea of throwing myself into some work or career focused pursuit seems very unlikely. Truth is, I just don't care anymore. Same reasoning produces the answer to the question of why don't I study anymore. Reading and learning has been a constant in my life from the beginning. However, I just don't see the point in learning anymore - is there any reason to know any more than I already do? Why read when I could just be lying on the grass in the sun listening to Jazz on my ipod or hiking through the amazing forests of BC - feeling life instead of imagining it through words.

Ideas that do appeal to me are being interesting and helpful to the people around me. While I no longer desire to impress people and build myself up, I still desire being wanted, needed, and accepted. If I can be a person who is liked and appreciated my heart will become a little bit lighter.

Right now, I am in a quiet, dark, and unusually cold office. Dark blue cubicles surround me with human machines plugging away manufacturing software. Although I am surrounded by people, the only sounds I can hear are the blow of the air con and the clitter clatter of typing. No voices, no life. Well, there is life, but it is being lived only in our minds here. I believe that most people in IT enjoy their jobs. With fancy equipment and the latest trends to learn and play with, they are like kids working in a a toy store. It is clear that many people in this industry are completely satisfied to live their lives toiling at computers, moving one step a day learning and building.

My problem is that for me it is a completely boring waste of time. Nobody is being truly helped to live a better life by anything that I do from 9-5 everyday. It is for the completely selfish materialistic desires that pollute my veins that I come in everyday. Since I'm not doing anything useful anyhow - I could be lying at the beach listening to Jazz.

Today I heard a man speak whose wife had been run down by a car driving recklessly. She survived, in pain and suffering for 10 hours before peace finally came. Then, she was gone. My thoughts went to Nori. What would I be saying, thinking, and feeling if she were killed so savegely? It would crush and tear my heart to see her in pain.  Such a pure angelic should should never be made to suffer that way. Later in the day I was reminder of a young Korean woman who was brutally beaten on a random whim while jogging in Vancouver's Stanley Park. She was subjected to enough damage that she requires support and care 24 hours a day. Perhaps more painful is her inability to control her body the way she would like to. How frustrating it must be to be unable to move and communicate.

Again, my thoughts floated to Nori. What if she were beaten like that? I immediately wished that there were something that I could do to directly help and support this young woman. She was an innocent young angel who was forever condemned to overcome mountainous challenges. Meanwhile, here I was bored and unchallenged at my computer terminal with no goals or problems in my life.  Wasn't being here wasteful and selfish.  And if it was selfish then why the hell was I doing it even if I didn't want to be?

I live in canada and I likely have about 2 or 3 more years of complete physical fitness. After that, I will still have another 25 or 30 years of mental fitness. It is unlikely that I will ever find trouble getting my hands on food or shelter and there is a world of possibilities open to me. I know that this one life is all that I get and that I am as capable as anyone of doing pretty much anything that I want to do. So, why not drop out. Start volunteering and supporting those that face challenges. Give them some of the freedom which makes my life so dull. Take some of their hope and energy and give them some of your luxury.

Sounds like a fair trade. And, It just so happens that I know the first place to start.