I am often sullen, irritable, and difficult to get along with.
Often depressed and frustrated, I try to push those around me away. Searching for some type of freedom, I suppose. With no one around to let down or hurt, life would be less stressful is the thinking. Of course, that doesn't make any sense at all. Life would still be the same, only now I would be bored on top of it.
At 30, I am already done.
I have exceeded my childhood dreams and become successful in every thing that I have tried. Up until recently, I felt good about myself when I knew more than the person nest to me, or when they were impressed by something that I'd said or done. Not anymore - at this point enough self-esteem has built up inside me that other peoples words just aren't needed. I have no more to prove to anyone.
The idea of throwing myself into some work or career focused pursuit seems very unlikely. Truth is, I just don't care anymore. Same reasoning produces the answer to the question of why don't I study anymore. Reading and learning has been a constant in my life from the beginning. However, I just don't see the point in learning anymore - is there any reason to know any more than I already do? Why read when I could just be lying on the grass in the sun listening to Jazz on my ipod or hiking through the amazing forests of BC - feeling life instead of imagining it through words.
Ideas that do appeal to me are being interesting and helpful to the people around me. While I no longer desire to impress people and build myself up, I still desire being wanted, needed, and accepted. If I can be a person who is liked and appreciated my heart will become a little bit lighter.
Right now, I am in a quiet, dark, and unusually cold office. Dark blue cubicles surround me with human machines plugging away manufacturing software. Although I am surrounded by people, the only sounds I can hear are the blow of the air con and the clitter clatter of typing. No voices, no life. Well, there is life, but it is being lived only in our minds here. I believe that most people in IT enjoy their jobs. With fancy equipment and the latest trends to learn and play with, they are like kids working in a a toy store. It is clear that many people in this industry are completely satisfied to live their lives toiling at computers, moving one step a day learning and building.
My problem is that for me it is a completely boring waste of time. Nobody is being truly helped to live a better life by anything that I do from 9-5 everyday. It is for the completely selfish materialistic desires that pollute my veins that I come in everyday. Since I'm not doing anything useful anyhow - I could be lying at the beach listening to Jazz.
Today I heard a man speak whose wife had been run down by a car driving recklessly. She survived, in pain and suffering for 10 hours before peace finally came. Then, she was gone. My thoughts went to Nori. What would I be saying, thinking, and feeling if she were killed so savegely? It would crush and tear my heart to see her in pain. Such a pure angelic should should never be made to suffer that way. Later in the day I was reminder of a young Korean woman who was brutally beaten on a random whim while jogging in Vancouver's Stanley Park. She was subjected to enough damage that she requires support and care 24 hours a day. Perhaps more painful is her inability to control her body the way she would like to. How frustrating it must be to be unable to move and communicate.
Again, my thoughts floated to Nori. What if she were beaten like that? I immediately wished that there were something that I could do to directly help and support this young woman. She was an innocent young angel who was forever condemned to overcome mountainous challenges. Meanwhile, here I was bored and unchallenged at my computer terminal with no goals or problems in my life. Wasn't being here wasteful and selfish. And if it was selfish then why the hell was I doing it even if I didn't want to be?
I live in canada and I likely have about 2 or 3 more years of complete physical fitness. After that, I will still have another 25 or 30 years of mental fitness. It is unlikely that I will ever find trouble getting my hands on food or shelter and there is a world of possibilities open to me. I know that this one life is all that I get and that I am as capable as anyone of doing pretty much anything that I want to do. So, why not drop out. Start volunteering and supporting those that face challenges. Give them some of the freedom which makes my life so dull. Take some of their hope and energy and give them some of your luxury.
Sounds like a fair trade. And, It just so happens that I know the first place to start.
Often depressed and frustrated, I try to push those around me away. Searching for some type of freedom, I suppose. With no one around to let down or hurt, life would be less stressful is the thinking. Of course, that doesn't make any sense at all. Life would still be the same, only now I would be bored on top of it.
At 30, I am already done.
I have exceeded my childhood dreams and become successful in every thing that I have tried. Up until recently, I felt good about myself when I knew more than the person nest to me, or when they were impressed by something that I'd said or done. Not anymore - at this point enough self-esteem has built up inside me that other peoples words just aren't needed. I have no more to prove to anyone.
The idea of throwing myself into some work or career focused pursuit seems very unlikely. Truth is, I just don't care anymore. Same reasoning produces the answer to the question of why don't I study anymore. Reading and learning has been a constant in my life from the beginning. However, I just don't see the point in learning anymore - is there any reason to know any more than I already do? Why read when I could just be lying on the grass in the sun listening to Jazz on my ipod or hiking through the amazing forests of BC - feeling life instead of imagining it through words.
Ideas that do appeal to me are being interesting and helpful to the people around me. While I no longer desire to impress people and build myself up, I still desire being wanted, needed, and accepted. If I can be a person who is liked and appreciated my heart will become a little bit lighter.
Right now, I am in a quiet, dark, and unusually cold office. Dark blue cubicles surround me with human machines plugging away manufacturing software. Although I am surrounded by people, the only sounds I can hear are the blow of the air con and the clitter clatter of typing. No voices, no life. Well, there is life, but it is being lived only in our minds here. I believe that most people in IT enjoy their jobs. With fancy equipment and the latest trends to learn and play with, they are like kids working in a a toy store. It is clear that many people in this industry are completely satisfied to live their lives toiling at computers, moving one step a day learning and building.
My problem is that for me it is a completely boring waste of time. Nobody is being truly helped to live a better life by anything that I do from 9-5 everyday. It is for the completely selfish materialistic desires that pollute my veins that I come in everyday. Since I'm not doing anything useful anyhow - I could be lying at the beach listening to Jazz.
Today I heard a man speak whose wife had been run down by a car driving recklessly. She survived, in pain and suffering for 10 hours before peace finally came. Then, she was gone. My thoughts went to Nori. What would I be saying, thinking, and feeling if she were killed so savegely? It would crush and tear my heart to see her in pain. Such a pure angelic should should never be made to suffer that way. Later in the day I was reminder of a young Korean woman who was brutally beaten on a random whim while jogging in Vancouver's Stanley Park. She was subjected to enough damage that she requires support and care 24 hours a day. Perhaps more painful is her inability to control her body the way she would like to. How frustrating it must be to be unable to move and communicate.
Again, my thoughts floated to Nori. What if she were beaten like that? I immediately wished that there were something that I could do to directly help and support this young woman. She was an innocent young angel who was forever condemned to overcome mountainous challenges. Meanwhile, here I was bored and unchallenged at my computer terminal with no goals or problems in my life. Wasn't being here wasteful and selfish. And if it was selfish then why the hell was I doing it even if I didn't want to be?
I live in canada and I likely have about 2 or 3 more years of complete physical fitness. After that, I will still have another 25 or 30 years of mental fitness. It is unlikely that I will ever find trouble getting my hands on food or shelter and there is a world of possibilities open to me. I know that this one life is all that I get and that I am as capable as anyone of doing pretty much anything that I want to do. So, why not drop out. Start volunteering and supporting those that face challenges. Give them some of the freedom which makes my life so dull. Take some of their hope and energy and give them some of your luxury.
Sounds like a fair trade. And, It just so happens that I know the first place to start.
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